Yes, those jeans DO make you look fat. (It’s about self-love, I promise!)

Do these jeans make me look fat?
Yes..yes they do.
Throw them out! Burn them!
Whatever you do don’t put those horrible leg prisons back on!  I have had these jeans for years now and have never once liked how I looked or felt in them.  However I decided to hold onto them because I felt that one day I will like them. Why do we do this to ourselves?
Force ourselves into wearing or buying things that don’t make you feel absolutely beautiful for the sake of a reminder that you aren’t there yet??
I was sitting in my car running errands as the waist band was digging into my sides.  I made sure to wear a shirt that was more flowy to hide my protruding gut.  As I kept thinking how gross I look, how bad I feel, guilt for eating that brownie (hey it was paleo at least) I had to stop myself. All these horrible emotions over a pair of jeans?? I decided that moment that when I get home they are going in the trash.
Are these not the worst fitting jeans you've ever seen?  Worst. Muffin. Ever.

Are these not the worst fitting jeans you’ve ever seen? Worst. Muffin. Ever.

How can I possibly work on fixing myself if I don’t love myself? If a friend or family member comes to you asking for help you help them! And why do you help them? Because you love them. The same goes for yourself. How can you possibly change something you don’t feel love for? How can you get that fire little inside you if you don’t feel passionately about it?  These simple pair of jeans became this big road block so in the trash they went.

Garbage pants.

Garbage pants.

My goal for you is to find that road block in your life and kick it to the curb and keep going on your journey!

Excuses, excuses


My intentions of this post isn’t to be rude but to just be blatantly honest.  This isn’t just against others out there but this is a reflection of my own situations that I have been able to push through.  Today was a really good day and I need to have something to remind myself that when I free myself of excuses I can do really amazing things.

I have mentioned in past posts that I am really..really..really..bad at box jumps.  I can do them but it takes all my power and strength to jump on that box and get back down.  Once I am down I stare at that box pretending that I am floating back up on it.  I adjust my clothes..since you know, jumping 9 inches up in the air just messes up the entire wardrobe..I take deep breaths, get a sip of water..and maybe at some point I will jump and repeat.

When I saw that this weeks Lurong Challenge was to do 50 box jumps with a 16″ box I laughed!  Well first I was ticked because I said to myself “but the first workout had box jumps! WTH!”  I told myself there’s no way around it you’re going to have to just do it or face the fact your score is gonna suck.  Last night I noticed that step-ups are allowed and that sort of soothed me.  However, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I didn’t want to be the heavy chick that can only step up on a box and not jump so I had my heart set on at the very least – trying.

Also just to set the scene..I have literally avoided workouts with long runs because I am slow as all hell when running and never want to embarrass myself.

So now that the scene is set..lets just say I killed it today.  I did all 50 16″ box jumps and the 50 KB swings and then finished off with a mile run with a fellow crossfitter who also tackled the challenge today.  I would love to thank her for her support today cause I nailed 2 things that I have previously been making excuses for.

Since I was in such a good mood after how well the morning went and how I tackled two major fears of mine I really had to reflect on my journey.  I have had a bad couple of weeks.  I got out of my daily crossfitting because I was having a very bad AI flare.  I was very down that I couldn’t do my usual workouts but I was able to walk! So walk I did!  I walked the dog, I walked at work..walk walk walk.  In the past I would have said “im sick…i just can’t” but where would that get me?  So that people understand and don’t leave comments “if youre sick then don’t workout!” I am sick all the time.  I have an auto immune disease and my body hates me.  If I just always took a break when I got sick..I would never workout.   I do know that when I flare though that crossfit is out.   If I was deathly sick well that’s another story.

  Who are the excuses for anyway?  To make yourself feel better or to try to prove to others you can’t accomplish your goals?  Either way you’re only hurting yourself.  I wanted to list recent excuses/negativity and how I squashed them.  Maybe you too can find a way to squash your excuses.

I can’t do box jumps – I haven’t tried to improve my box jumps

I am a really bad runner – A bad runner is still a runner.  I at least try

I am too tired to workout – it’s 5am..everyones tired.  Sleeping in doesn’t get you any closer to your goal

I dont want to workout today – Why? If there’s no real excuse, remember how good you feel when you do

I don’t have enough money to eat healthy this week – Hello Aldi

It’s too cold/hot/rainy/snowy – Good thing the gym is inside…

I won’t ever achieve my final goal – You’re halfway there

The WOD is too difficult to go today – Theres always a scale and no one will judge you

But I am craving XYZ – It will still be there later

No one else around me eats healthy – That’s on them.  It’s called willpower

No one else works out with me – See above.

Honestly there is so much more that I have conjured up in my brain that has tried to stay in my way.  The best way I can explain it is that I have to treat myself like I would treat a child.  Lots of positive reinforcement but tough love when it counts.  If a child keeps on doing the same thing wrong over and over and all it’s doing is hurting them..are  you just going to keep saying “it’s okay..maybe next time you’ll do better” or will you finally start to put your foot down and possibly recommend another approach?  I can’t keep telling myself “you know its okay you ate that cake..theres always tomorrow!”  Yes..and then another tomorrow and another tomorrow and so on.  At some point it’s just time to be honest to yourself.  Pack away those excuses, negativity and coddling.  Get it done 😉


15.1 You’re so fun! (not)

It has definitely been a week of ups and downs.

I was proud I participated in the open.

I was not thrilled to see my ranking.

Reminded myself I was very new to this.

Felt I was the reason our team scored low.

Back to proud I did it..

and then it cycles again.


I did the scaled version which required me to do knees to chest instead of toes to bar and then the weights were lower for that group too which after a few rounds I ended up being thankful for!  I was very nervous about doing knees to chest since I have only done it once before and when you’re carrying this much extra weight a dead hang isn’t easy!  I am proud that I gave it my all during the workout.  I do still shake my head and sigh that I wasn’t getting the clean and jerk.  I had never actually done a clean and jerk before.  Ive done a clean..done a jerk..never put them together.  My form started to definitely falter as the weight went up and I couldn’t even get myself into the clean.  I’d lift it and get to the jump and shrug..and then notice my elbows were still securely at my side.  Not out in front of me with the bar resting nicely on chest.  Why can’t I get this?!

The coaches kept seeing my struggle and would come correct my form.  I would fully take in what they were saying and totally understood it.  But my brain decided to not communicate with my body.  I just couldn’t get it.  I ended with 95#.


I am still trying to feel good about signing up.  I still can’t shake that I bring the team score down but I am constantly reminded it’s about bettering yourself and setting a base score that you can improve on.  Well..I can really only go up from here!

Other highlights of the week

*Talked to one of the coaches about advice on this nasty plateau i’ve been stuck i for weeks.  Took his advice and have immediately lost 3 lbs

*Have made it into the gym 4 days this week (tomorrow will be 5)

*Started a goal challenge this month and it has been helping immensely

*Fit into a size 14 that wasn’t Old Navy brand

*Finally started getting some WOD pics!


Onto 15.2 tomorrow! (yikes..)


When I first started CrossFit I was fully aware that I was going to enjoy it.  I was so not prepared for how much I would fall in love with it and how much it would change my way of thinking completely.  I feel like I have talked the ears off of everyone I know about how much I love it and how much I can’t wait until tomorrows WOD and how much I lifted that day..But I just can’t help it.  I have been completely changed.

When I started my whole weight loss journey (you know..the last one I started..not the multiple failed attempts before that) I had one thing on my mind..

I need to lose weight.

I really didn’t care how I did it.  It just needed to happen.  I have learned in the past what didn’t work so I avoided going back to things that I already failed on.  This sort of left me in that confusing place of..what else is there?  I’ve tried the support groups, the pills (oh yes even the disaster pants pills), online forums, cutting calories to ridiculous levels and every gym in my vicinity.  I finally learned the only way I was going to do this was to stop changing everything I did.  Just move more on a consistent basis and eat real food.  Not the snack packs that state “only 100 calories!” but food that actually doesn’t come with a label (you know that food on each side of the store without the fun color packaging?)  It was such a simple concept but there was nothing shiny and special about it..So I avoided the one that made the most sense.

I went through this whole year with the same goal.  I need to lose weight.  I had no fitness goals such as finish a mile in this time, lift this much weight, climb this many stairs.  The scale ruled my day and how I was going to feel about myself.  Didn’t lose weight today? Well time to have a pity party.  Lose a pound? Time to party and love yourself!  It was stressful!  I was losing weight when I was working with trainers but I just felt like I was going through the motions.  There were some days I would groan at the idea of having to go to the gym to see the trainer.  It was such a short workout time and then the rest of the week I was on my own to figure it out myself.  Months before my contract was up I fell into the world of CrossFit via the interwebs.  At first glance I thought to myself “not..a..chance..” but as I kept reading more and more and listening to Paleo podcasts I started to get lured in.  I waited patiently for my contract to end.

Finally January hit and I knew that I was only sessions away.  I tried one CrossFit gym that I will not name..but it made me nervous.  Did I wait all these months dreaming of this and what I got was a grumpy man in a small gym with toddlers running around and members that didn’t even say hi to the new person that was in for a trial? How exciting.  I decided I needed to try at least one more.  That’s when I found CrossFit AMRAP


I already posted about my start to CrossFit AMRAP so you can go back and read about my fun of the Foundations class.  I want to get back the reason for the title of this blog.  After foundations and starting on my own with the regular class I found that I could do things that when I was browsing the web I always thought to myself “that wont happen”.  I remember the first time I walked in there is a sign with the rules.  I remember reading one line that said “Can’t is not allowed”.  I laughed to myself and said “Yeah you’re gonna have to learn to cut that out”.  And I did!  Everything I approached I didn’t immediately say “Nope..” but I at least tried.  I may not have done it perfectly..I certainly haven’t RX’d anything but I sure as hell at least try and i’ll be damned if I don’t give it all I have.

After weeks of taking “I can’t” out of my vocabulary and my own mental dialogue I have been amazed at what I can do.  Yes it is hard and there’s times where I have wanted to say I didn’t want to finish a WOD but what would that do for me? It would get me no where.  And honestly it hasn’t been about proving to the other members I can do it or trying to be a badass at the expense of possibly falling over..But it’s to show myself once and for all “See what happens when you don’t give up?”  My whole mentality on goals has changed too.  Yes I still want (and need) to lose weight.  And it does bother me horribly that the weight on the scale is not going down.  But I have noticed so many changes not only in my body but mentality beyond belief.  Even people close to me say “there’s just such a change in’re so happy now”.  I stopped being down on myself for not getting to the scale weight quick enough and started to celebrate the weight I can lift, the fact that I went down a band in push ups and embraced the fact that I went up in the height of my box jump.  Which is debatable I must add..even though I can use a 12″ box..I am still possibly the worlds slowest box jumper.  But I am okay with that..because I know that the future holds some amazing feats for me.


I will admit the idea of the CrossFit Open starting very soon scares the hell out of me.  I really didn’t want to sign up because I was so worried people would be upset to have me on their team.  That I would some how bring them down.  Multiple people convinced me to sign up and I was even hesitant then.  Feeling like they were just saying that since they were telling everyone else to and were just being polite.  I finally decided that I was in this to make myself better and stronger.  And when I compare it to next years scores it will be without a doubt far more impressive than this years will be.  I may not be able to do everything that everyone else does but I still work as hard as I possibly can.

I am now working on trying to not only focus on weight loss but to focus on fitness and the weight loss will follow.  For once I am not going to stray from my plans because it isn’t working quick enough.  I am staying put because nothing has ever felt this right to me.  Let’s just say It hurts so good!

Day 1 of Crossfit & Day 30


One year later…

I started my weight loss journey last year at this time.

Had you told me then that a year later I would only be 30 pounds down I would have not been even remotely encouraged to even start.  I did honestly feel that I would be at goal weight by now.  I am not even remotely close to my goal but I really feel I have achieved so much more than just a number on a scale this year.

This year certainly has not been a waste by any means and I don’t think I could have done anything different.  I feel for once I am doing this right!  The only thing I could have done different would be work myself to death and eat lettuce and cross my fingers that the scale goes down.  This year was so full of ah-ha moments that I needed to experience to know what being healthy for life is going to mean for me.

What I have learned this year

  • I learned how to eat like a human being.  Meat, veggies, fruit..learning that things from boxes & bags with 1,000 ingredients isn’t a good choice.  Even Especially when it says  “low fat!” “fat free!”
  • Meal prep and planning is vital
  • It is okay to sweat.  It will not make me melt.
  • My comfort zone really wasn’t very comfortable at all
  • I love lifting.  Let me say it again….I love lifting!
  • Training goals are so much more rewarding than weight loss goals
  • Scales don’t cooperate when you start lifting.  I had to learn to be okay with that.  It took a while but I am finally getting that!
  • Morning workouts are possible!
  • Coffee makes above statement more true
  • There is life beyond Diet Cherry Dr Pepper
  • I can survive without daily chocolate (really!)
  • Auto-immune disease can’t and won’t stop me
  • Whenever I tell myself I can’t – I rebel…and then I do!
  • I am my best support system, coach and cheerleader

There is so much more but I think that list is something to be very proud of!

My goals for this year:

  • Focus on training & fitness goals over weight loss goals
  • Learn to eat like an athlete


My newest adventure – CrossFit!

I am on my third week of CrossFit and I am beyond happy with my choice of starting at Crossfit AMRAP.  I have never felt more accepted in a fitness program or met a nicer group of people.  In a normal gym you’re lucky to get a head nod of an acknowledgement.  I haven’t been able to cross anyone’s path without them introducing themselves and having nothing but encouraging things to say!  Beyond the community the training has pushed me beyond where I felt I could go.  Nothing that I have done at AMRAP I feel I could have pushed myself to do on my own.  Once I hit that uncomfortable edge I would always stop.  That race against the clock or race to get a workout done is addicting and it becomes such a mind game to push yourself to finish.  I don’t do it because I feel I have to..I do it because I want to prove myself that I can.

burpees handstand pullups pullupssuck

This is the year of I can..and I will!

This Girls Gone WOD

I am so happy to announce I have found my Crossfit home!!

I have wanted nothing more for the past few months than to join a crossfit gym.  I had a 1 year contract for personal training that I had to finish up before I can consider adding another monthly payment of over a hundred bucks per month.  My training contract is finally up and I went on the hunt for a new challenge!  I tried one last week and it was exactly the workout I was looking for but the few downsides I saw were that they didn’t offer beginners classes which freaks me out when it comes to high intensity workouts, they openly admitted crossfit comes second in their lives and is more of a hobby, and I just didn’t feel welcomed very much.  The one I tried out today has 6 beginner courses you must take before actually starting on your own, super friendly and encouraging and the 8 minute workout I did kicked my butt!!!  When they said 8 minutes I was thinking “well that’s easy..I guess its just a little sample…”  Holy cow!

I wanted to post my first workout just so I can look back on this and be like –

“Aww that’s so cute!”

Saturday, January 10th 2015

Rowing warm up

AMRAP – 8 Minutes

5 Burpees (with assisted push up)

10 Kettlebell swings 20#

10 Box Jumps 9″

I was able to do 4 full rounds and got up to 1 box jump 🙂

Here is to getting more fit!!

I want to lose weight but I am more focused on fitness levels now.  I want to do better, do more, push myself harder than before.  I can care less right now if I lose 10lbs…I want to just do 1 pull up!

Time to lift heavy things!

Let’s Be Honest…

Last Friday I met with my new trainer and a funny thing happened and made me end up thinking about this topic of honesty ever since..

My old trainer was really bad at keeping record of my progress in the book so we sort of had to start fresh.  He got out his notebook and said
“Do you know your height and weight? I mean…if you don’t want to tell me that’s okay….”

I thought the whole concept of not telling my trainer my weight was just plain silly.  It’s like going to the doctor for an illness but you wont tell him your symptoms.  Why would I not tell him the key reason that I am there to fix?  I actually laughed and took a step back and said “I think its pretty obvious its not a small number..I can see me!”
He laughed and said it’s very common for women to not tell him their weight because they are embarrassed.   Again this takes me back to..he can see you!

I will admit I do understand the whole being embarrassed of the number.  I know what it’s like to be on the internet and make sure I only show pictures of the chest-area up so that people who don’t know me won’t know I am fat.  I would never just tell anybody my weight!  I will now just to prove a point.  I weigh 197.  That actually made my heart pump just to type that.  But what will it do if I don’t say it?  Me not admitting that number will not make it any smaller.  Isn’t it a silly concept to think that someone would like you until they knew your “number”.  It all goes back to when someone is standing in front of you they can see you.  They can pretty much guess what your weight range might be.  Would telling them that number suddenly make them dislike you?  If it did know exactly where to tell them to go…

This is most definitely something I had to remind myself every time I go to weigh in.  When I see that number it cannot define me or my day.  It cant control feelings.  It’s really just a’s not me!  Also let’s be honest…we have an idea of what that number will be.  When we eat right and work out and got enough sleep..we feel pretty confident that number will be going down.  When we binge on chips and fast food and sat on the couch all week..there’s a good chance that number isn’t going to be so good!  But why can’t we look at that number and accept it?  Of course if you strayed far off plan the number is going up…if you stay on track the number goes down.  Why can’t we be honest when we step on the scale?  Instead of being upset and start the self sabotage and hate talk.

When we have a weird dream dont we all first think “where did that come from!?”
We start to think ‘well, maybe its because I saw that show..I did think about that person..I did hear that on the news..I do indeed like penguins..’

When we step on the scale why cant we just analyze it that way?

“Well I did have a lot of sodium yesterday.  My muscles are sore I may be retaining water.  I should have drank more water. I may have skipped a few servings of vegetables”

Normally week to week its all going to be small changes and not be real weight anyway.  I think we all just need to start being more honest about the changes we see in our “number” and accept that it changes weekly..daily..hourly..and it doesn’t define us!  Everything we do each day has a huge impact on what that number is going to be each weigh in day.  It is time to choose if that number goes up or down..Let’s not lie to ourselves and be shocked when we see it.  Inside you know how you did.  If you did follow the plan perfectly and it didn’t move..then keep going!!  If the number goes up and you don’t want to admit you ate that package of cookies..well then there is more work to be done.  But bottom line..If you can’t admit your number to someone else at least admit it to yourself.

Whole 30 Day 7 & 8 + Color Run

What a busy weekend!!

Saturday my boyfriend’s mom was visiting and staying over so I planned a fun filled evening!  We all went to a mini-theme park down the street from me called an ‘Azoosment Park’ because it has carnival style rides plus a petting zoo area.  It was incredibly fun and I am sad I didn’t go there sooner!  We got the kids good and tired and then I had a Whole 30 style BBQ at my house.

Totally cute right?  Kaieligh & Logan

At first I thought I would make some stuff for the BBQ that were not Whole 30 compliant for the sake of my  guests..

Then I thought about it..why is just having meats, fruits, and veggies so taboo?  We dont need starch filled salads and sides and processed chips to have a delicious exciting meal together!  So I went against my initial thoughts and went with a meal where I was allowed to have everything!

My Menu
Deviled Eggs (homemade mayo)
Grilled Vegetables
Marinated Olives
Mashed Sweet Potato
Chopped fruit with coconut
Grilled Chicken w/ Avocado Ranch
Grilled Shrimp

Everything was super delicious and guilt free and everyone was happy! (me included for sure)

Whole 30 BBQ



eggs, mustard, relish, homemade mayo, salt, pepper, paprika


Grilled veggies – just olive oil, salt, pepper




Mashed sweet potato with a little coconut milk


Grilled chicken & shrimp – hot dogs for the kiddos


Avocado Ranch Recipe


Super yum.


Day 8 Race Day!!

My first 5k EVER..and it was awesome!

For breakfast I had some leftover sweet potato with grilled vegetables and a hardboiled egg.  It was so early that I wasn’t super hungry but I knew I couldn’t skip breakfast when I was going to be running.  I did have a banana just before the race though for a little extra fuel.  After the race I enjoyed a tasty Apple Pie Lara Bar.  Now for the fun part…RACE PICTURES!


Love love loved this run!

My brother and sister in law were going to run with me but unfortunately it sold out before they could sign up.  But my brother being the awesome big brother he is woke up early, drove to the city just to jump in at the end of the race to finish the last leg of the race with me 🙂

My mom did take a picture of us but my mom isn’t super awesome at technology so apparently the picture doesn’t exist.

But my mom deserves credit too for waking up stupid early for me to get there before the race started.  I hate driving in the city so I needed the moral support to even get to the race!


I finished the race in 36 minutes which is a personal record for me.  This was even including the 3 stops for the congested color areas and a stop for a photo with my brother (so I thought…)  Without the stops I probably would have finished around 32 minutes which would have been a huge record for me.  I will keep at it!

Since we were right near the ever-so-popular photo opportunity ‘The Bean’ we decided to stop there after the race


I headed home then and took a well needed shower..had some lunch..and totally crashed for about 3 hours.  I think due to the excitement of the color run I didn’t sleep very well.  I think I never achieved deep sleep because of fear of not waking up to the alarm at 5am so I was beat..

(btw for the sake of whole 30 lunch was all natural grass fed beef hot dogs with sweet potato chips)

Breakfast and Lunch were not very impressive photo-wise but dinner sure was!  Made an amazing grilled pork chop dinner. Yum!


Probably my favorite dinner so far.  Garlic grilled pork chop, seasoned cauliflower rice, grilled asparagus and sauteed granny smith apples.  For the apples I sauteed them in ghee with a little salt and cinnamon.  Went super awesome with the pork chop and doubled as a little dessert treat!

Overall Whole 30 is going well.  I will admit im getting a few more urges than I have the previous days.  When I had my hot dog at lunch I missed the bun, after the run I really wanted an ice cold fountain drink, was craving some sweets.  Mainly my cravings have been carbs.  I have been doing a very good job at redirecting my cravings to something compliant and it’s working well.  I haven’t even remotely had the urge to give up..just a few more urges to eat things I shouldn’t!

So sad this weekend is just about done.  It was a really awesome weekend 🙂

Whole 30 Day 5 + Backsquat Experience

Whoever said today was supposed to be the grumpy day on Whole 30 is crazy!
I had an amazing day!

I ate delicious food, had a ton of energy, wasn’t sick, and killed it at the gym!

I even have a video today! Yay! I will let you take a look at that and follow up with my gym story in writing and my foods for today..enjoy!

So If you didn’t watch the video I will explain further here.
I saw my trainer today and he said he was going to show me how to do backsquats.  Which I was stupid excited about.  All the blogs, instagrams, pinterest boards I follow all the sexy fit people do these backsquats.  Yay I am a sexy fit people!
So anyway..He had me do the bar only and asked how that was.  I said it was alright….so he added a 20# weight to each side.  He asked me to go..I said it’s kinda hard!  He adds more weight.  I said its really hard.  He adds another weight..I said wow thats super hard.  So he says he will keep the weight right there and we will do 2 more sets.  Sure enough he says “I think you can do more…” I tell him adamantly that it was very hard!! So another guy in the gym says “You can do it! Dont be afraid of the weight”.  I informed him im not afraid of the weight im afraid of falling over! So I trust my trainer since hes been working with me and he is all about safety so I had to trust myself.  I go under the bar to lift it..sure enough I lifted it and got into position.  I was facing the mirror so I could see everyone behind me.  A bunch of buff weight lifter guys stopped what they were doing and watched me.  One even nudged another guy and said “see that?!”  It was awesome!!!!
That was my empowering gym story of the day!
Onto foods!
Today was easy for me..I am loving what I am eating.  Its totally new flavors and textures and so refreshing to have something other than just my usual sandwiches and chips and breaded whatever and processed junk.  I honestly thought I would get more cravings!  It’s only day 5 but I feel absolutely confident in the days to come!
Breakfast Day 5
Not a pretty photo..sorry! But I was running out the door for work.  It tasted awesome though I assure you.   2 hard boiled eggs, 1/2 avocado, diced red onion, diced jalapeno, salt & pepper
Lunch Day 5
I know I had this everyday! I made alot of it! I didnt get a ton of different groceries since I was having trouble eating anyway and this was small, cold, soft and delicious!  Blueberry Waldorf Salad over spring mix with cherry tomato.  I promise it’s gone now!
Snack Day 5
Berries! I also had a green apple with almond butter and a Lara Bar (apple pie) before my workout
Dinner Day 5
Tuna Cakes with Green Olives.  Recipe here
They were super tasty but a little softer than I hoped for.  I fried them in a super hot pan and they were still pretty smooshy.  But the flavor rocked.  I made my own ranch dressing to go with it.  Yum yum yum!
Bring it on Day 6!